HEARTBREAKING GRATITUDE
HEARTBREAKING GRATITUDE for the grand regal woman that my grandmother was and will always be.
I am the eldest of her grandchildren and I wore that title like a badge of honor.
My siblings had cousins of similar ages so they had each other growing up.. but I had my grandmother.
She was my best friend growing up.
We would talk for hours and hours and many times we even sat in silence watching cars drive by.
I knew the power of being through her.
I would write her letters as a child because we lived far and I wanted her to know everything from how I felt to how my world was changing. She saved every letter.
Her phone number and address were the only ones I knew by heart as a child.
She was the definition of dignity and pure unconditional love.
She was the voice of love and reason, the common thread that held us together and that kept me sane. She validated my pain in a time where others lived in denial.
She prayed for me like no other. I often told her my success was a reflection of all her 5am prayers for me. I always felt protected and anointed because of her prayers.
She was sensitive and always honored my sensitivity as well. She said that’s what made us so strong.
In a world where I felt like I didn’t belong, she was Home.
In a time of total darkness, she was my light.
And that’s what she was for all of us.. a loving shining light. That’s what her name means. Luzmaria Santana our Light.
She left voice notes for everyone. Singing to us. She was always the first to wish me happy birthday.
She taught me standards and boundaries. She taught me compassion.
She knew my love languages before I even knew. She defended and protected me. Nobody could talk negative about me to her.
I always told her that she was the only one who truly loved me besides my mother.
And she would always remind me of the promise she made me when I was a child. I didn’t have a dad or any connection to my fathers family and she promised me that she would love me enough to fill in the void of all 4 grandparents and my father’s absence.
And that she certainly did.
I have so many regrets because I truly believed I had more time.
She was healthy and strong.
She was vibrant and full of life.
She was a prankster full of joy.. scaring her guests by throwing pots off the balcony to prank people. That was her signature move. And we would all crack up laughing.
She called all of her children and grandchildren. She called all of her siblings. She called. All the time.
She took special interest in loving the black sheep of the family even more. In the beginning, I was the only black sheep, but then as life had it, there was a handful of us that she would check on constantly.
Singing her voice notes and ending every message with: ‘I love you. I love you. I love you. Bye-bye.’ In her sweet loving voice, Always emphasizing the word LOVE louder and louder as she repeated it 3–4 times in her closing.
Once she started aging I unconsciously started distancing myself. It was hard for me to accept my grandmother was getting older.
I got busy and obsessed with my heart’s mission. She didn’t take it personal. She still called me every other week. She watched my lives and stories even though she didn’t understand English.
I’ve never experienced this type of heartbreak until now. It’s a pain that feels like it’s never going to go away. A pain that haunts me at night.
During the day I have to be strong for others but at night it’s just me and my little girl feeling abandoned and heartbroken by my grandmother's transition.
This last Thanksgiving I received clear instructions from Great Spirit to bring my family together for the first time in ages and to fly in my grandmother and my mother.
I wanted to spoil her and my mom so I bought them first-class flights. I was getting ready to surprise her again for Mother’s Day but Great Spirit has a plan for all of us.
I wish I could’ve hugged her one more time. I wish I could tell her in person how much I love her and how grateful I am that she of all people was MY grandmother.
I pray she knows now how loved she was and will always be.
People flew in from all over to say goodbye.
My heart feels so naked.
Hold my heart Great Spirit.
Please don’t let it break like this.
Life will never be the same without her.
If you have grandparents alive, love them as if each day could be the last because we truly never know. And they have been impacted on so many levels by this global pandemic.
Te amo abuela.. gracias por todo el amor que me diste y por todas las risas y enseñanzas que me diste. Estás con abuelo y con tus padres y le pedí a Angelo que te cuidara también.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Viva en mi corazón, siempre estarás mi abuela de alma.
Tu nieta mayor.
